Review: Quiet Love (& Growing It) by Matthew Hess

A guide for people who want to understand the intricacies of love and wish to better navigate their current relationship – or search for one – Quiet Love (& Growing It): 14 Rules to Find, Build, and Keep the Best Relationship of Your Life by Matthew Hess offers insightful, well-organized, and down-to-earth tips for keeping a long-term relationship.

Exploring the ebbs and flows of love, and revealing the chemistry behind our feelings, Hess elucidates on his titular concept of “Quiet Love.” Despite what Hollywood may tell us, we should not necessarily be looking for a flashy or overwhelming infatuation at the beginning of a relationship, made of grandiose or hyper-romantic gestures. Rather, strong relationships are much more subdued, growing slowly over time, as people decide to commit to each other. This is the kind of love that can truly last because it doesn’t rely on false expectations of perfection, or on superficial assumptions that satisfy societal expectations, but on our genuine need for connection.

The fluttering, fiery love in the first few months of a relationship will inevitably fade over time, and those who assume otherwise will crash when the honeymoon period ends. Additionally, people who enter a relationship with the idea that it will magically solve all their problems, such as low self-esteem and unhealthy habits, are going to be sorely disappointed. Love is not magic, but at the same time a deep connection with someone can motivate us to adopt a better lifestyle, and push us to achieve our dreams, as long as expectations are measured.

The book makes clear that while every relationship is unique and there is no one-size-fits-all formula to make it work, there are some basics that cannot be ignored – mutual respect, trust, and communication – which require daily work and commitment, and the book is aimed at navigating each of these issues, helping couples or single people do the hard work necessary to maintain a longstanding relationship. With a total of fourteen rules that act as guidelines, Hess explores love in its various stages, addressing doubts and perennial questions such as “How soon is too soon to say ‘I love you?'” or recognizing danger signs, which addresses most every eventuality a couple might experience.

Intuitively organized, the book alternates between concise bullet points and informative text that expands and explains each issue, along with chapter summaries to help the reader consolidate the takeaway from each section of the book. The prose flows easily in the author’s calm and reassuring tone – clear and professional when untangling scientific concepts, while intimate and personal when sharing first-person anecdotes. With the facts and statistics revealing the complexity of human emotion, the real-life stories and psychological insights invite the reader to stop and reflect on what it means to love and be loved. The combination gives the book a true sense of authority, as if it’s the final guide one will need.

Both informative and compassionate, Quiet Love (& Growing It) has the unique potential to be consulted over time, for a comprehensive and inspiring guide to relationships, from the earliest stages to late in marriage.