Review: Beyond the Vows by Alvin Dorsey Jr.

Beyond the Vows: Navigating the Depths of Marriage and Divorce by Alvin Dorsey Jr. is an all-embracing guide on marriage and divorce that sheds incisive light on the most private aspects of relationships as they start, develop, and – in some unfortunate cases – come to an end.

Exploring the nuanced emotions that arise in marital relationships, Dorsey offers sympathetic and practical guidance to people of any age, at any stage in their relationship. As Dorsey outlines, marriage is so much more than exchanging vows – there are facets of settling legal paperwork, opening a joint bank account, and other practical matters that can affect a relationship’s emotional core. There is a whole world of responsibility beneath the surface that often goes unnoticed or ignored, but couples need to approach these practical matters with the same care as romance and intimacy.

Dorsey speaks openly and candidly about a comprehensive list of issues that have a huge impact on relationships, such as money, family, sex, and careers, all of which are seen through the lenses of trust, communication, and mutual support. These, the author stresses, are the ingredients to a successful relationship, whether bound in marriage or engaged in the difficult process of separation.

The book is particularly eye-opening about divorce, deconstructing the idea that divorce equals failure and marriage equals success – a view that is unfortunately ingrained in our culture. Dorsey counteracts this idea by stating that divorce can be an opportunity to rediscover oneself, develop better habits, and even become a better partner in the future. Moving away from such a polarised worldview, it becomes easier to reframe relationships as an ongoing bond that can take many forms, and years to be fully realized.

Instead of trying to conform to one superficial model of happiness, Dorsey maintains that trust is key to a relationship, even in separation. Only by being open with one another can partners move away from confrontational, blame-based approaches, and build a collaborative, compassionate, and attentive relationship. While “trust” isn’t necessarily new ground for a relationship manual, the book weaves this idea into a completely comprehensive framework for maintaining a solid relationship.

From dealing with debt and the best ways to split household chores to handling intrusive family members and managing spaces after a divorce, this book delves into all of the details of a shared life, challenging our assumptions on sensitive topics. For instance, contrary to what society often dictates, Dorsey suggests that infidelity in a marriage can actually help partners grapple with issues that had laid dormant, and spur them to tackle their problems for their ultimate well-being, whether they decide to stick together or part ways.

Methodical in its approach, the language is not overly emotional, nor is it overly cold or scientific, covering a vast range of different bonds between people of any gender, cultural background, and religious beliefs – dedicating an entire section to bridging deep-seated cultural differences. All in all, Beyond the Vows is a meticulously detailed guide that can help readers avoid the most common stumbling blocks to a healthy marriage, and change the way they think about themselves and their loved ones.