Review: A Death Lived by Martha Calihan, MD

Recalling the final months leading up to her husband’s death, author Martha Calihan explores the spiritual meaning of death – its sorrows and blessings – in the moving A Death Lived.

The author’s husband Charles, who had survived cancer and a major heart attack, was rushed to the ER one fateful morning with pain in his right foot. Calihan, a physician, knew his condition could lead to an amputation, but after many complications, Charles returned home, seemingly recovered. The couple, who had known each other for most of their lives and been married more than thirty years, went back to normal life, but Calihan doubted that it would ever be normal again.

There was something about the incident that initiated her own inner journey to uncover and accept that mysterious process we call death. She had seen it in her medical practice and trained herself to act as a professional, unattached to feelings for the patient that might prevent her ability to offer a cure when possible. But with Charles, it was very different. She loved him and didn’t want to lose him.

In the ensuing months it became increasingly obvious that Charles was slipping away, as further medical emergencies were accompanied by a gradual diminution of his awareness. A friend, Tom, director of a palliative care and hospice program, talked to the couple and Charles revealed that he was not interested in resuscitation and he would accept hospice services. A local priest also offered sage advice and the offer for a funeral, which Charles agreed to, not for himself but for his wife and children. All these interactions brought Calihan closer to acceptance.

Calihan’s memoir is detailed and well-organized, and highly affecting, allowing the reader to share her experience every step of the way. As a medically trained person, her varied insights offer a multilayered perspective. She knew the hazard and treatment aspects of Charles’ slow demise, and received further corroboration regarding his tenuous situation from her colleagues, giving the book tremendous authority, both on an emotional level, and as a guide for anyone facing a similar circumstance. As such, the book is unique in its field.

As her professional expertise gave her an informed perspective, it made the situation more difficult in some ways, as she had to become an observer in her companion’s treatment, unable to help him except when at home, wrestling with pills and equipment and doing her best to make him comfortable. The fact that she is a doctor will speak to readers, telling people that this situation is intensely difficult, no matter the training or preparation.

All in all, A Death Lived provides a valuable, sensitive portrait of how the death of a loved one might be handled, offering medical advice and inviting readers to share sympathetically with the loving couple facing ultimate separation. It can offer both comfort and practical counsel to anyone in a similar circumstance, and should be shared by hospice programs and other outreach groups focusing on these crucial end-of-life issues.